Waiting
ddddid you know that I hold my breath? I only
became aware of it pretty recently. I hold
it incessently. All the time. It's chronic.
I've realized that this horrible habit of
holding my breath also causes me to scrunch
up my forehead. Which in turn causes a
headache and a somewhat stern look.
In fact, holding my breath causes tension
in all of my face. I think this shallow
breathing is to blame for my whole body
being tense. My shoulders feel like they
should go forward - causing an unflattering
slouch - to compensate for this great amount
of tension I've caused. My whole body holds
itself as if it'll explode at any moment.
It's just waiting for something to come and
plow it over. Straining, freezing, preparing
to cushion itself from the impact. Shoulders
forward, neck strained, nostrils flared, eyes
squinting, jaw clenched, arms tense and
straight, legs flexed and ready to run.
Of course you wouldn't notice most of these
things by looking at me. My shame and desperate
desire to hide it is the very reason for
my tension. It's gotten so bad that I can't
just exhale and let it all go.
This monster inside me has grown way stronger
than whatever I was initially trying to protect
myself from. It likes where it is. It likes
hiding in the dark, warm corners of my
distorted body.
I want to let it go. I want to desperately
fling it somewhere. Anywhere.
What if I just shouted it, screamed it,
spit it, spewed it, screwed it ...
ANYTHING TO FUCKING GET RID OF ITTTT
Map of Here [Semi] Daily Gestalt Meaningful Mindlessness
Rocket Somewhat Relevant Links Don't Look In [Here]
